Well, there is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that, according to my therapist, I should be able to get surgery in spring 2014. The bad news is that my insurance company claims they won't cover it unless I get it done at the VUmc. This would mean an extra year on the waiting list. And that is not an option. Why? Because it just isn't. I'm going mental as it is. Waiting 5 or 6 months seems like an eternity already. Waiting an extra year feels like a life time. What am I supposed to do all that time? Sit at home and twiddle my thumbs? Once I have had the surgery I can start building my life again. I can move on. As long as I haven't had it my whole life is about my gender. And it sucks. I know a lot of people think this is a very exciting time but it's not. Mostly it just sucks.
are good days when I look in the mirror and think I am starting to look
like me. There are bad days when I feel like throwing up while I'm not
even looking. The more I am getting to terms with being a guy, the less I
like my body. I used to really hate my body and had anorexia for years
but that was just a general 'I hate myself and wish I didn't exist' kind
of thing. Now it is much more focused. I know very well what it is
about my body that is wrong. Before I had been able to pinpoint the
problem the hatred was more defused and aimed at my body and myself in
broader terms. I wasn't sure what was wrong so I figured if I make
everything go away I must be hitting the right spot at some point. But
now I do know what is wrong and I know how to fix it. But they won't let
me. I spent most of my twenties as a mental patient trying to figure
this out and now I finally have the answer they tell me I have to wait. I
Some people say: but it's the inside
that matters, right? It's not about how you look, it's about how you
feel. That's nice. That's really nice. But it's also completely useless
when it comes to this. We all know that the way you look influences the
way you feel. Much more then we would like to admit. And every time I am
confronted with my body (read my boobs) I feel horrible. This doesn't
just happen in the shower. It is constantly there. Binders are
uncomfortable to say the least. They restrain you in your movement, your
breathing, and are a constant reminder of the fact that you are hiding a
part of you that is not supposed to be there. I hate wearing binders
and at home I sometimes don't because feeling the binder can sometimes
be worse then wearing a tight shirt to keep things in place with a wide
vest over it so I don't have to see the shape. Having them there just
feels wrong. I have this voice in the back of my head telling me that
I'm not really a man, just look at my chest. That's just wrong. No way I
could ever expect to be a real man looking like that. What on earth am I
thinking? I want to be a boy? Really? What an absurd idea. I must be
insane. It simply can not be done. I have carried this voice with me for
about 30 years now. And I need it to shut up. It makes me want to cry.
It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to shred myself to pieces. I
can't wait an extra year for surgery. I need to get out of this cage
and set myself free.
I will find a way to get my
insurance to cover for the surgery and if they really won't I can switch
in January. If no insurance company will take me because of this I'll
find another way to get it done. I only need about 40,000 euro's or so.
Anybody want to buy a painting?