Tuesday, November 26, 2013

So how is the transition coming along then?

Well, there is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that, according to my therapist, I should be able to get surgery in spring 2014. The bad news is that my insurance company claims they won't cover it unless I get it done at the VUmc. This would mean an extra year on the waiting list. And that is not an option. Why? Because it just isn't. I'm going mental as it is. Waiting 5 or 6 months seems like an eternity already. Waiting an extra year feels like a life time. What am I supposed to do all that time? Sit at home and twiddle my thumbs? Once I have had the surgery I can start building my life again. I can move on. As long as I haven't had it my whole life is about my gender. And it sucks. I know a lot of people think this is a very exciting time but it's not. Mostly it just sucks.

There are good days when I look in the mirror and think I am starting to look like me. There are bad days when I feel like throwing up while I'm not even looking. The more I am getting to terms with being a guy, the less I like my body. I used to really hate my body and had anorexia for years but that was just a general 'I hate myself and wish I didn't exist' kind of thing. Now it is much more focused. I know very well what it is about my body that is wrong. Before I had been able to pinpoint the problem the hatred was more defused and aimed at my body and myself in broader terms. I wasn't sure what was wrong so I figured if I make everything go away I must be hitting the right spot at some point. But now I do know what is wrong and I know how to fix it. But they won't let me. I spent most of my twenties as a mental patient trying to figure this out and now I finally have the answer they tell me I have to wait. I really can't.

Some people say: but it's the inside that matters, right? It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel. That's nice. That's really nice. But it's also completely useless when it comes to this. We all know that the way you look influences the way you feel. Much more then we would like to admit. And every time I am confronted with my body (read my boobs) I feel horrible. This doesn't just happen in the shower. It is constantly there. Binders are uncomfortable to say the least. They restrain you in your movement, your breathing, and are a constant reminder of the fact that you are hiding a part of you that is not supposed to be there. I hate wearing binders and at home I sometimes don't because feeling the binder can sometimes be worse then wearing a tight shirt to keep things in place with a wide vest over it so I don't have to see the shape. Having them there just feels wrong. I have this voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm not really a man, just look at my chest. That's just wrong. No way I could ever expect to be a real man looking like that. What on earth am I thinking? I want to be a boy? Really? What an absurd idea. I must be insane. It simply can not be done. I have carried this voice with me for about 30 years now. And I need it to shut up. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to shred myself to pieces. I can't wait an extra year for surgery. I need to get out of this cage and set myself free.

I will find a way to get my insurance to cover for the surgery and if they really won't I can switch in January. If no insurance company  will take me because of this I'll find another way to get it done. I only need about 40,000 euro's or so. Anybody want to buy a painting?

5 comments:

  1. I don't know if you're member of the VM-NL yahoo (mailing) group, but we were just talking about insurances this past week(end) and what they cover. If you're not a part of it (yet) you can join here: http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/VM-NL/info (or maybe here - http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/VM-NL/info?noImage=true). If/when you get accepted to the group you can find the topic about this under 'conversations'. Hope this helps!

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  2. Thanks. I'll take a look. My therapist at the gender team not at the VU told me not to worry about it and let 2 people on his team take care of it and everything should be fine. I really hope he's right. I'm going to be stressed about this up until I know for sure they will cover it.

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  3. essentially everything (hormones, chest, bottom [both removal of reproductive organs as well as meta/phallo]) is covered by the basisverzekering (you will, of course, have to use your eigen risico as well). Usually insurances initially say you need to be at VU or UMCG because they honestly don't know there are more options than that. It really shouldn't be a problem being with PIG as the insurance policies (from basispakket) state that a 'deskundige' needs to give the OK after the RLE. As far as I know they don't say who this 'deskundige' needs to be (that's only with the gender-law coming next year, but that's separate from insurances).

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  4. Hi Tyler - it's not just what you see it's also what others see which - as we've discussed before - influences how they react towards you. So yes, the sooner you have the op the sooner you are the real you and integrate react with the world as the real you.
    Would the insurance company make an exception if the medics wrote to them and explained that waiting a further year would be damaging to your mental health and therefore cost them more than if they financed the op now ? Just a thought.

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  5. My experts are on it. I'm just hoping for the best now. We shall see. Thanks for the support and understanding.

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