I have been reading a book a friend of mine gave me for my
birthday. It's a book by a fashion photographer. The book contains
photo's of people he met on the street that fascinated him because they
had style. I started reading it because I thought maybe I could find
something in there that I would like and could adopt. Going through a
transition like I do, going from girl to boy, is a bit of a rude
awakening. You get stripped down to the core and then you're left
standing there and you have to figure everything out all over again. Who am I? Who is that person looking back at me in the mirror? I had hoped this book would give me some ground rules as to what a guy is supposed to look like.
Just
to be clear, 99% of the book consists of photographs. I still call it
reading though. It's a much more universal language. And what those
photo's were telling me was: there are no rules. You can wear anything
you like as long as you own it, as long as it's you. Initially that
really pissed me off. I had hoped to find some sort of starting point, a
clue as for what to do, where to start or something to aim for. Later I
realized I was looking for someone who looked like me. I looked at
every picture thinking: is this me? And every time the answer was the
same: no. Why? because there is only one person that looks like me and
that is me. Or at least, there should be one person who looks like me.
And that's the problem. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see
me. Not yet anyway. I had been looking for a shortcut. But in life there
are no shortcuts. Everything worth doing is worth doing right and the
only way to do this right is by taking the long road, the road I haven't
traveled yet.
There is a rule though. Just one. It's very
simple, very basic and it's the trick all those people in those
pictures probably used. You can wear anything as long as it's you. So
that means you should only have items of clothing in your closet that
you really like, that are really you. Then you can walk in there
blindfolded and come out looking fantastic because what ever you pull on
is you. I recently dumped two garbage bags of clothing but my closet
isn't empty by far. But when I take a good look at it, if I would have
to pick out the items I really like, that I really feel comfortable in,
that make me feel good about myself, I come up with one shirt and a pair
of jeans. That's all. Okay, maybe a handful of sleeveless shirts but
that's it. So what do I do? The fact that I still have boobs (or moobs
really) doesn't help with the way I feel about how I look. I'm hoping
things will get better once I have had my surgery but that doesn't
change the fact that I still don't look like me in most of the clothes I
own. I mentioned to a friend last night that I'd rather own 5 shirts
that I feel comfortable in then 20 that I don't like. So maybe I should
stick to my word and actually just wear the few clothes that I do like
or at least throw out the stuff that makes me feel silly when I wear it.
I wonder how many people actually do that. Just wear what they really
like instead of just wearing what they are used to for what ever reason.
Clothing is such a huge part of your identity. So much more then most
people realize. I'm really curious about how I will look a year from
now, after the surgery and once I have found some money to buy some new
clothes. I can't wait.
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