Thursday, May 23, 2013

I had my first meeting with the hormone doc.

After two whole months I finally had my first appointment with the hormone doctor. People had told me it wouldn't be a big deal. Just a few questions, a blood pressure check and such and then I would get my prescription. But most people go to the hospital in Amsterdam. The one where I will have my first screening day three weeks from now. This hospital in The Hague isn't specialized in things like this so they take it easy. There were the usual questions: are you sure? Any such and such illnesses in your family? Take a deep breath please. And the blood tests. But no prescription. He wants to wait for the results of the blood tests first. That's just the way they do it over there. So now I have to wait another two weeks and hopefully I'll get my prescription then. 

There is another thing. That doctor is not a fan of injections. You get spikes in your hormone levels and eh doesn't like that. He does not prescribe injections. He only prescribes gel that you have to smear on your body. I don't want gel. It contains alcohol and my skin does not appreciate that at all. My skin dries out and cracks real easy and then gets infected. So I'm a bit skeptical about rubbing alcohol all over myself. He said he would look into an alternative but injections are not an option when I am with this doctor. 

I am highly disappointed. I had really counted on being able to start treatment today. I had also really hoped to get injections. Right now I feel really tired. I never expected this to be easy but it's hard enough as it is. The people who are supposed to help me don't always seem very helpful. I know two weeks isn't a long time but it feels like for ever to me. I have been biting my nails waiting for my referral letter for weeks and weeks, only to find out it 'got lost in the mail' and they had to send it again. The local hospital was supposed to have a one week waiting list but I called them a few days ago and they said my referral letter was up for review this week, probably, and after that I would get an invitation, if they decided to treat me. They don't have a lot of experience with adult transgenders. They just send them to Amsterdam usually. And now The Hague has put me on hold yet again. Right now I'm worried he will find something in my blood work that indicates I'm not standard enough and they will turn me away. I know that's paranoia but at this moment it just feels like it is never going to happen. I am so tired of all of this. I want this whole transition thing to be over. I want to get on with my life. Is that really too much to ask?


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Sunday, May 19, 2013

Me, scared? Why would I be?

If all goes well I can start hormone treatment next week. I have an appointment at the hospital in The Hague on Friday and am waiting for an invitation from the hospital in my own town. The waiting list there is one week and I sent them my referral note last week so I am hoping I can get an appointment there really soon. That way I can walk there in 10 minutes instead of taking trains and buses for over an hour. I think I'll call after the weekend and ask what's going on. I want to know what's happening. 

I've been looking forward to being on hormones for quite some time. But to be honest I am really dreading starting hormones. The psychiatrist who gave me the green light warned me again that some people can get really depressed starting on testosterone, and most people tend to feel a bit blue when their testosterone levels are getting low just before their next shot. I have a history of depression so I am at risk more then most. I know that. I am very much aware of that. I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm not the happiest person on most days though I manage to keep myself busy and productive. My menstrual cycle really affects my mood so I know I'm extra sensitive to hormonal fluctuations. Most people starting on testosterone tend to feel more stable though. I've even heard people say the feel happier on testosterone. I'm hoping that will happen to me too. But as they say one should: I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. This mean I am preparing to hit a mayor depression again. It probably won't be so bad but it's better to be prepared and not needing your ammo then needing it and having none. 



The other thing that I am dreading about this phase is being the bearded lady. Not that there is anything wrong with being a bearded lady if you chose to be. But that's not what I want to be. I want to be a man. I want to look like one and be treated as one. But this phase is going to be tricky. I will still have boobs and I just know I won't be wearing a binder every day. I hate binders. But I will have to pay extra attention to what I wear, depending on when and where. I already confuse people sometimes and that's just going to get worse at first. I know getting my fat percentage down to make my boobs smaller doesn't work for me. My boobs are pretty much that last thing to go. So I'm stuck with them for now.
I really wish I could get the surgery first and then start the hormones. I know other people who would prefer to do it like that as well. The idiotic idea is that you can still quit hormone treatment and go back to the way things were in case you change your mind. The Real Life Experience phase is supposed to be an exploratory phase where you can try your new gender on for size and see if you like it or not and if you don't you can just return it and get a refund. But that's not true. There are plenty of effects that hormone treatment has that are irreversible, like the lowering of your voice and hair everywhere. You can't just go back. Plus, most people who change their minds usually have done so before starting hormones. They have a screening phase just for that, to spot those people who have other issues and think that changing gender might help them get away from those problems. Altering your body in pursuit of  happiness is a big step. I know, more and more people have plastic surgery because they feel like they should in order to become happy. You got to ask yourself, what's going on with those people. No matter what the context, permanently changing your body, is big. 

I am very much aware of this.  I will be changing my body, permanently. After this there is no going back. I've always felt that the outside should reflect the inside. This is also why I have always disliked my body. I don't feel complete. I really hope that by doing this I will feel more like me. I'm hoping, one day, I will recognize myself in the mirror. Hormone treatment should make that happen. So yeah, I'm scared. Right now, I have hope. And hope is such a sneaky devil. Once I start treatment I will be looking in the mirror, looking for myself, hoping I will see a glimpse of me. I have no idea how long this will take. I have no idea if it will ever happen. There is only one way to find out. If you're scared, it means it's important enough to you to scare you. Bravery is being scared and doing it anyway. So here I go, being brave, because it is important to me. I still wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I could just wake up a year from now in my new and improved body and not go through all the growing pains and confusion of living in an obviously mixed gender body. It's the only option I have though. Wish me luck. 


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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The evolution of friendship.

I was at the dentist this morning and she asked how I was doing. So I told her I had been stressed lately and broke a molar because of that. She was curious what I was stressed about. There are big things happening in my life. One of those things is registering the gallery at the chamber of commerce. It's such a grown up thing to do. We came to the conclusion that we are both turning 35 this summer. It's a strange thought. I really am a grown up, an adult, making grown up, responsible decisions about grown up topics. How does that happen? It just does. You grow up and become an adult. It happens to most of us.

But we all have our own pace, and some of us get stuck on different levels, or move much faster then others around them. Suddenly, when you are talking to some of your friends about the thing that are important to you at that point, you notice the y don't respond as enthusiastic as you expected. This seems strange at first because you used to be able to share so much with that person and you felt like you both could really relate to each other. And now, the enthusiasm simply isn't there. You take a look at your life,  your friends life, and the life you used to have together, and come to the conclusion you have grown apart. It happens. There is nothing you can do about it. It happens to most of the people you because friends with then you were younger. 

There is a very simple reason for this. Take a look at your life, your world. You have orchestrated it in a way that fits your personality, who you are. That means you now, starting around your thirties, you will be living in a city you like, and, if all is well, in the right part of that city. You will be working in the field you like, maybe even have the dream job you really want. You will have developed habits that suit you and found hobbies you enjoy. And with that comes a circle of friends who you have met at those places. But you have chosen those places. And that's the trick.

I have friends who have kids and I see it happening. The other day I was at a venue and some friends where there with their son, he's almost 10 I think. There was someone else with a kid around the same age. So people expected them to play together. Simply because they were the same age and in the same place. That was the only thing they had in common, age and a location determined by their parents. Same goes for school. Your parents chose your school when you are little, because they think it is a good school and easy to reach. You get stuck with 30 kids without knowing if you have anything in common with them. You do though and that is mostly the fact that you don't know who you are and what you want yet. You still have to develop most of your personality, discover yourself. And this takes time, trial and error. So you do this together. You experiment, try new things and see if you like them or not. If you're lucky you will have a few kids in your class that have the same interest as you do and you can explore the same fields together. But as you grow older you become more specific in your likes and dislikes. You may still have common likes or dislikes, but you might find you have different motivation for them. Or you can find out that some of the things you liked, you don't like at all. You just thought you did because people expected you to for what ever reason. 

At some point in your teens you think you have it all figured out, not realizing that half of what you are thinking is a reaction to your parents. You also have no idea yet how the world really works. I mean, driving an ice cream truck may sound great, but can be rather dull in real life. And having to go out there, facing those noisy kids when you are having a bad day, and it's raining on top of that.... Nobody wants that. But when your young it sounds like a dream. Reality hits and things turn out to be different. Some people will stick to what they thought they wanted because reality is close enough to their dreams, or maybe even better. Some people take a different path. And your roads split and you say goodbye. Or maybe you don't and you find yourself talking to that person and wondering why they are giving you such a funny look like they have no idea what you are talking about. It's because they don't. It's because you are both not 16 anymore and you have grown up. And you have changed. 

We tend to hold on to friendships simply because they have lasted a long time already. Not because of the quality. I'm not saying it's always the case, but it might be more often then we think. The question is, do we really want to hold on to those people or is it time to move on? Would it not be better to save yourself and the other the time trying to understand each other because you feel like you have to simply because you have know each other since you were kids. 

It can also happen the other way around. You can have grown apart, let each other go, and run into each other for what ever reason again, only to come to the conclusion that you are more compatible now then you are the last time you saw each other. it's strange when those thing happen but they do. But be careful, just because you used to know each other really well, doesn't mean you know each other now. Take the time to get to know the new person that your old friend grew into. And try not to hold a grudge. 




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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

The value of Facebook friends.

I recently hit 500 friends on Facebook. This really surprised me. I have 500 friends? I may know 500 people, or 500 people may know me, but I do not have 500 friends. I keep coming across the number of 250 memory slots in your brain for people. This means you can remember 250 people. You know who they are, what they look like, and what their relation is to you. These slots are filled with the people that fill your daily life. It ranges from your parents to the guy you buy your coffee from every morning on your way to work. Yes, that person gets a slot. He provides a basic need on an almost daily basis. He deserves a slot. When you think about it 250 isn't that much in modern society. I mean, Jon Stewart gets a slot too. As does Brad Pitt. You know what they look like, you know what they do, what their role is in your life, what they mean to you, what needs they fulfill for you. So they get a slot. And then they start to fill up rather quickly. With the enormous amount of information and access to so many people 250 doesn't seem very reasonable. But it's the way it is. Society has developed at an enormous rate while your brains haven't been able to adapt to it yet. Even 50 years ago we had a lot less people in our lives. We didn't have internet. Not even everyone had a television. And a lot of people traveled less then they do now. So you didn't get to know that many people. You didn't need more then 250. 

We can not train our brain to memorize 500 people. I don't see where I could find the time for that, let alone actually stay in contact with all those people in a meaningful way. How much time do you need to invest in a relationship? It depends on the type of relationship. Like the coffee guy. All you want from him is your coffee and service with a smile. So all you have to do is go buy that coffee and be polite. That's not a lot of time to invest but you get just what you want. But what about those 500 friends on Facebook? Who are all those people? I'm not sure. I usually don't add people that I have only met once and probably will never see again. Sometimes I do though and then wonder why I did. Those people, as nice as they may be, don't add anything to my life. Clicking 'like' in response to their posts every now and then isn't much of a relationship. But they do clutter my wall and I clutter theirs. So why do we keep them?

I remember when Facebook first popped up. People tried to get as many friends as they could, to get a certain social status. People wanted quantity over quality. It's like that with a lot of things these day. Like food and most other possessions. People want more, of everything. They want more information, more people surrounding them, more status, more of everything. But while doing so we lose track of the important things. How many friends on your Facebook list can you turn to if you are in need? How many would you feel comfortable with asking them for a hug when you need one? I just checked and I get to less then 20 people I would ask. Not who I could ask, but who I would want to ask. Less then 20 out of 500. Be honest, how many would you ask for a hug? 

So who are all those other people? Some of them are random people who I don't really know. Some of them are people I used to be friends with but no longer see. Some of them are still dear to me and some of them I would like to see again. A lot of people on my Facebook are also work related. I know them from the the art scene or the gym or from working for the LGBT organization. Those are people I mostly need to keep in my network. But the question is, do I want to have them in my friends list? Why should the line between work relationships and friendships disappear? We often feel pressured to mix these things now we have social media. It's going back to the social status of having a lot of connections on Facebook. We want to secure that status at work as well. If you are popular outside your job, you must be doing something right. It's like people saying: the good ones are always taken. If you see someone is taken it must mean there is a reason for it, they must be doing something right, so you want to get in with that. If someone has a lot of friends on Facebook, they must be doing something right and you better make sure you don't lose that person. 

To be honest, I am getting a bit tired of it. I want my friends to be my friends. I don't mind working with some of my friends but I don't have to be friends with everyone I work with. And I mean being friends as in I would invite you to my birthday. I don't mean I don't have to be nice to anyone I work with. I'm tired of the social pressure. And I think a lot of people are. So I am going to clean out my friends list so I only have people on there that I care about and people who are important to me in a direct manner. That way I can put more time into the people that really matter to me and I don't get distracted by all the people that I don't really know and that don't really know me either. Everyone is more then welcome to follow my page of course. And if I delete you it's not because I think you're a bad person. The thing is, I only have 250 slots, and so do you.


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