A bit about boobs.

Someone asked me about binders the other day. How do they work, why would I wear them or not, etc. Binders are a tricky thing but lets start with the why.

Why does an FtM wear a binder? Well, obviously to hide his boobs. Why? Because they are feminine. So? He does not want to be feminized. And yes, that really does matter. I might be stating the obvious here but as soon as people spot boobs they will treat you as a woman with the according expectation patterns and all. It is easier to pass as a man when you were born female but there are always traces and when people are not sure, they check your chest. And if there is a hint of bosom there they will assume you're a dyke. You might say that's not true but lets be honest. Even I do it. Horrible, I know, but it's just the way we are wired. This is the main reason why I dislike my boobs. People see them, even when they don't stare at them, and treat me different from how I want to be treated. This is highly frustrating and a good reason to hide them. Don't get me wrong, I love boobs. Just like high heels. They are great assets on a woman. I'm just not a woman.

Now, how does a binder work? Really simple. It's just a really tight top. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and colors even. They just squish your boobs. Like an extra heavy sports bra. That's all.

So what's the problem? Why don't I just wear one all the time?
For one, here in the Netherlands they don't come cheap and I simply can't afford to have a whole bunch. And no, health insurance can not be bothered with stuff like that.

Second, they are not that comfortable. They are really tight, which is the whole point of course, but that makes you less mobile. They tend to cut under your arms so I never wear then too many days in a row so the skin doesn't get too irritated. They're really warm and in summer most days I just can't be bothered cause I'll be sweating like crazy in them. Not sexy.

And third, they put a lot of pressure on your breast tissue. Well of course. So? As far as I can tell there haven't been any proper studies on FtM's and breast cancer but there have been studies on what happens to tissue under pressure. They indicate that cancer tissue under pressure spreads more quickly. I've been trying to find the link but so far I haven't been able to find it again. From what I have hear from other transmen who have had chest surgery it is not uncommon for some of the breast tissue to have become cancerous. This could be partially triggered by wearing binders but also by hormone treatment. Of course, there are no statistics on this but it seems transmen are at a higher risk for breast cancer then regular women if they haven't had chest surgery. This would suggest it would be wise to do the chest surgery as soon as possible. How ever, in the Netherlands there is a real life phase people have to go through before they can have surgery. This means living like their 'chosen' gender instead of their biological gender for a period of time. For women this is 12 months, for men 18 months. That's what the website says. I'm not sure if they mean biological men and women or trans men and women. But it would mean that I would have to be on hormones and living as a man, including binder, for at least 12 months before I can have surgery, increasing the risk of breast cancer. Lovely. I'm not happy about that but that is the way it is right now.

Doing my part.

The other day I was on my way to work and a feeling of sadness came over me. At first I wasn't sure why but I felt really lonely. And I realized that, in a way, I am lonely.

A friend of mine told me the other day her boyfriend wanted to be a Hell's Angel because it would force respect. But it also makes you an outsider, it makes people look at you in a certain light. They judge you without knowing anything about you. He had said he didn't care. If he wouldn't get a job because of it, or would be refused entrance somewhere, it would be worth it for him. It made me angry. Because I am an outsider and people judge me without knowing me and I don't have a choice. He does. It's easy to be okay with stuff like that if you have a choice.


People have been telling me they think I'm brave for doing this. For being a transgender. It seems absurd. How can being who you are be a brave thing to do? It shouldn't have to be. But it is. At first, with all the positive reaction from my friends I had the illusion it might not be as hard as I had expected. But the blow was still to come. And it comes now, soft and slowly, but still possibly deadly. That feeling of loneliness, of isolation, has not disappeared. It's still there. I ignore it most of the time because it keeps me from doing the things I should do, but it's still there. I know it might never go away because it contains a truth. People don't understand. They don't know. I'm not sure if I could ever explain this to them. Part of me doesn't want to have to. I shouldn't have to. You don't need to explain being born black, or tall, or smart or stupid. It's just  the way you are. People accept that. Mostly anyway. That is, they accept the fact that you are that way. They might not accept the fact that it doesn't mean you are less then they are. But still, they accept the fact that you can't help being like that. You were born that way. But being trans is something you are born with as well. It's a result of the amount of testosterone you got when you were 6-8 weeks in your mother's womb. A brain development. End of story. But somehow people are not willing to accept that. People act like I have a choice. I do, in a way. I can chose to deny who I really am and be miserable for the rest of my life. That's the only other thing I can do. Not much of a choice is it? So why should I have to be brave? Why do I have to be judged for being different? It's not a choice. I never wanted to be a transgender. I denied it for 33 years and it just wouldn't go away. I can't help it. And now I'm being brave for admitting it? You might state I'm being brave for exposing myself to ignorant people who will treat me poorly or even badly because of it. But pretending I'm something I'm not and not cracking up while people treat me according to my mask is even harder. The suicide rate among transgenders is shockingly, but not surprisingly, high. Living the lie seems to be the hardest thing there is. Much harder then being discriminated, ridiculed and sometimes even prosecuted.



So what to do? What can I do? How much of a difference can one man make? Sometimes I think very little. But JFK said: “One person can make a difference and every person should try.” If you don't try, you don't know if you are that person that will make a difference. So I guess I should try.
Today I came across this link: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/gezocht-cooerdinator-van-het-trans-initiatief

I sent an email to apply for the job. It's a volunteer job and it's not like I'm not busy and my life isn't hectic enough as it is but I feel like this is just what I need right now. I hope I'll get it. Wish me luck.

The Truth

A friend pointed out this project Janet Jackson is doing. Here is the facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/brainchildtruth
It's going to be a docu movie about transgenders worldwide. However, it does seem to focus on transwomen initially. I would love to join the movement so to speak so I sent an email asking if I could be a part of this project. I only just sent it a few minutes ago so I will have to wait and see what they say.

It does make me wonder. Most people, when they think of transgenders they think of male to female people. They stand out. You often keep noticing there's something different about them unless they have extensive surgery. Female to male transgenders often blend in much more. They don't stand out in a crowd. You don't notice and they don't mind. They want to be seen as men and not as transgenders, so they tend to keep silent. As a result they disappear. Male to female transgenders are more common anyway then female to males so it's already a smaller group. I am part of the minority of the minority. I do have peers. I know I do. I know they are out there and I have found some of them. There is a FtM fitnessgroup on facebook that has over 500 members! 500? Is that a lot? For a facebook group, worldwide? More are joining every day though. So I know there are others and I'm not alone.

In the meantime, in the big bad world that I live in, most of the time when I tell people I'm transgender they tell me they never met anyone like me. Or if they do it's an MtF. Knowing I'm not alone doesn't mean that I'm not alone in everyday life. I am. I think most of us are. I told people at work they can ask me about the whole transgender thing but they don't. Every now and then people will make a remark trans related in a playfull way but that's pretty much is. They don't know what to ask and as long as they are not directly confronted with that fact that this is really happening they won't ask. They won't have to think about it. Not until I start my hormone therapy and things become more obvious. (I really can't wait till I can grow a huge ginger beard!) I know I can't force people but I do wish people would show more of an interest because I know they don't know anything about it and they are forming their own opinions about it in their heads without the proper information. When I start my hormones and get surgery it will still come as a surprise to them. They will not be prepared and they won't know how to react. This is why I feel there should be more information available about this. Not just if you go looking for it but really out there. So people will know. Just like people have information about lots of other topics they don't encounter every day but comes in handy when you do bump into it and need to know so you can deal with the situation without looking like a fool and risking anyone getting hurt. People are afraid of new things but they often find that once they know more about it, it's not as scary as they thought and it's quite alright. So I'm hoping I can get more information out there and start a proper discussion about this so people like me won't have to deal with misunderstandings, fear, disgust and rejection all the time.

SO, if anyone has any questions for me LET ME KNOW! I will answer them as best as I can at the moment.

Thank you for reading.

Being hormonal.

I have been meaning to write for a while but haven't been able to get around to it somehow. And today I am in a shit mood. There are several topics I would like to discuss but none of them seem to fit my mood right now because they require me to be more objective and right now I just can't because I feel like crap. I cannot pinpoint why I feel like this. I know I have been somewhat stressed about work but things seems to be settling down and becoming more stable. I have to record my BodyBalance class this evening and if it's a good video I can send it to les Mills for evaluation but if it doesn't work out I can just tape it again next week. Or tomorrow even. I'm not worried about it. I don't expect it to be perfect the first take anyway. I took the evening off yesterday to let my body recover from 3 hours of teaching the day before and slept pretty well so there is no real reason for this lack of energy. I need to set up a new eating schedule though but I've been meaning to for a while. The only thing I can think of is hormones. I have a coil so I have no idea when I should have my period and it doesn't upset me as it used to but sometimes I still get a bit of PMS. I must admit I haven't had it this bad in a while. I have no idea why it's this bad right now. I feel like punching people in the face for no reason at all. Everything is pissing me off. It's insane. I don't understand how women put up with it. It's driving me nuts. I really hate feeling like this, all over the place and unable to pick yourself up, pull yourself together and get on with things. This is one of the things I hate about being born female, being at the mercy of your own glands. Maybe most women are used to having emotions run their lives. Maybe that's how they can handle this. But for me it's hell. I'm used to being in control of my emotions and being able to shelf them when I need to. Except on days like this. I really can't wait to start on testosterone and having my menstrual cycle shut down. That way I can use every day to its fullest.


How do other people deal with this? Ladies? Let me know how you deal with days like this. I would much appreciate it. Fellow transmen, how long did it take, once on T, to stabilize this emotional roller-coaster? I'd really like to know.